Premium black shirt for people who remember nothing but want proof they were there.
Officially unverified since whenever this started
The Marty Party
One night. No refunds. No witnesses.
The most exclusive event nobody can remember agreeing to attend.
Live status:
Venue disputed. Confidence rising.
0
verified quiet moments
47
unnecessary explanations this week
99.8%
chance of denial
Ticket release allegedly opened
Attempt to Enter
Prices have been replaced with the more accurate measure: cost of entry.
ACCESS DISPUTED
Selected: General Admission — cost of entry: One bad decision.
Officially unofficial shop
Marty Party Merch Desk
Select your questionable merchandise, choose a quantity, add it to cart, then attempt checkout. No card details are collected because nobody is responsible enough to fulfil an order.
For hiding from sunlight, cameras, and anyone asking what happened after midnight.
Keeps drinks cold while your dignity remains room temperature.
One imaginary Powerade, two fake apologies, and a laminated excuse card.
Comfortable enough for damage control, dark enough for plausible deniability.
Proudly unnecessary. Possibly claimed as client entertainment. Ray would understand.
Cart
0 itemsCart empty. Standards temporarily intact.
Fake total
$0.00
Checkout checks availability only. Shipping, stock, receipts, and adult supervision are not guaranteed.
Archived evidence
Previous Parties
A brief look back at several officially unverified Marty Party events. Tap or click a photo to inspect the evidence.
Previous Activation 01
The Dockside Situation
Location: Classified
Status: Multiple witness reports
Previous Activation 02
Operation One More Drink
Location: Still being confirmed
Status: Timeline compromised
Previous Activation 03
The Cliffside Protocol
Location: Somewhere expensive
Status: No official comment
Party Command update
Marty Party Alert Level
Current conditions are unstable. Group chat activity remains elevated.
Alert Level: Severe
Marty has confirmed attendance, denied involvement, and asked what time it starts.
Tap the alert badge to request a completely unreliable reassessment.
LowMarty is home, phone on 3%, no confirmed plans.
ModerateGroup chat activity detected.
ElevatedMarty has said “just one more”.
SevereLocation has changed twice.
CriticalNobody knows where Marty is.
DANCE FLOOR CRITICAL
Officially useless utilities
Marty Party Tools
Three tools, zero accountability, and no guarantee any of this will help.
Public reporting portal
Report a Marty Party Incident
All reports are carefully filed, stamped, and ignored in the order received.
Medical-ish guidance
Symptoms of Exposure
- Unexplained tiredness
- Missing Uber receipts
- Sudden fear of group chat notifications
- Saying “never again” while checking next weekend’s plans
- Receiving photos you do not remember posing for
- A strong urge to reconstruct the timeline
- Checking your bank account with one eye closed
- Repeatedly saying “surely it was not that late”
Safety first, allegedly
Safety Checklist
- Fully charged phone
- Escape plan
- Fake early start tomorrow
- One trusted adult on standby
- Do not let Marty control the playlist
- Never follow the sentence “I know a place”
- Rabies shots recommended if monkeys are rumoured to be attending
- Arrange transport before confidence levels rise
Post-event guidance
Official Recovery Timeline
Confusion
Group chat investigation begins
First apology drafted
Food delivery becomes essential
Someone asks “where did we go after?”
Marty denies everything
Full emotional recovery unlikely
Frequently avoided questions
FAQ
Where is The Marty Party?
That information is currently being disputed by several people who claim they were there.
Is Marty attending?
Marty has confirmed, denied, reconfirmed, and then asked who else is going.
Can I get a refund?
No. Financially, emotionally, or spiritually.
Is there a dress code?
Yes. Regret casual.
What time does it finish?
That depends when someone responsible intervenes.
Is this a real event?
Legally, emotionally, and logistically: no comment.
Can I bring a plus one?
Only if they have signed the witness waiver and understand that “quick drink” is not a real time estimate.
Is food provided?
At some stage, someone will confidently suggest kebabs. This is not catering.
Is this event insured?
No insurer was willing to define “Marty exposure” as a covered event.
Are animals allowed?
Monkeys appear at their own discretion. Do not feed them, challenge them, or ask them to explain the venue change.
What happens if I type MARTY?
Official advice is not to test this unless you are emotionally prepared for the website to lose focus.
Final public notice
Still thinking about attending?
Officials recommend checking your phone battery, dignity levels, and access to breakfast food.